Unicorn.

He grabbed me by the shoulders,

                "Oh sweetheart," he said, "god bless you.  From this point on, we are just friends."  He kissed me on the forehead and held me at the safe distance of an arms-length away.  He was surprised, he said, because somehow I had ended up being the exact opposite of what he expected me to be, not that it was a bad thing, but, a virgin, really? 

I guess I'm a little surprised by the conduct of individuals in regards to sex and virginity.   I mean, I can feel as comfortable as I want talking about sex with whoever I choose because sex is so prevalent in society: it is socially acceptable--and not only that, it is expected.   Jokes about sex are thrown callously around.  Details of peoples lives and things I don't really find it necessary to know seem to spill from the lips of everybody, even myself.   Sex is no longer limited to being a fact of life, it has become a way of life.

And here I am, a virgin by choice, head-butting the status quo.

It is my decision and it goes beyond religion and into a realm of trust that it seems is very hard to find these days.  I mean, I could go have sex if I wanted to.  I could have last night.  I could tomorrow.   But my goals in life are bigger than pleasure and sexual fulfillment, and quite frankly, I don't trust anybody.  For me, sex will be  an emotional bond; here I am, twenty-two years young and already have had my fill of broken promises. I'm not willing to take a chance on something that I consider to be valuable.

This is weird, right? Talking about virginity on the internet, where anybody can see it?  But why should I care?

I mean, if I can hear all about the list that Joe Schmo has compiled of all the girls he's had, and if people can brag about their encounters, should I confine myself to silence because of the nature of my sexual status?

Nothing is sacred anymore, but to me, sex is. And quite frankly, I am proud of my virginity.

My shocked friend and I had a good laugh together, and obviously he had to know why I chose to be the way I am.  We talked about it.  He told me he was impressed, said if I had any trouble with anybody to come to him and he'd help me.   It was interesting because it seemed as though when he realized that I valued what I had, he also valued what I had.  His demeanor instantly became protective in a similar way to many of my friends.   So I followed him to the kitchen to wash dishes when he suddenly turned around and said, "you're like a unicorn."  

And he's right.

Rare.
Magical.
Impossible to find.

My name is Sarah, and I am a unicorn.

Tonight I ran away from home 

covered my bleeding ears

put on my walking shoes

and closed the door behind me.

I just far enough to see what tomorrow will look like

from the top of the next hill

and then I turn around and go home.

It's confusing.

And it makes me feel like an epic fail, 

when I find out that I hurt people
and break car windows

despite the fact that I try very hard to be good.

I'm always trying to be good.

Soon you'll have your significant relationship,

your future wife,

and since I am not your other best friend, a boy
our relationship will change.

how close should I be? 

I love you, don't question me

because you know it's true

sometimes I need to be alone

and sometimes I try to be strong.

Now I'm doing everything to act my age,

but I'm starting to think that age has nothing to do with it

because so many people surpass those boundaries.

I need to go somewhere.

I felt so young, sitting beside them on the couch.  They told me they'd been married for seventy years if they calculated their time together in dog years, but their ten years together would have already felt like a long time to me.  
It was a party and a history lesson in the same instant, taking place in the glorious basement of a house twice my age, with a group of people more than three times my seniors, and a livelier crowd there never was.  The walls were lined with relics, vinyl records, and a collection of 8-track tapes.  They held plastic cups in weathered hands as we celebrated 2012, the end of the previous year and the "end of the world" with apocolyptic movies like the original Godzilla.  The antique graphics held my attention and caused me to wonder what it would say about a reptilian monster if it's exterior failed to conduct electricity.  I wondered what the internal organs of electric eels consisted of, in order to generate high voltage, and I contemplated what would happen to an iguana if it were to be electrocuted.  

Animal cruelty or science? I wasn't sure, and I was too tired to follow through so I let the thoughts fly away.  Now I'm home, and thinking.  My older friends and aquaintences speak so candidly about death, and I am uncertain how far some of them are from it.
I need to practice accepting some things for what they are, rather than unnecessarily disecting them.
I'm no scientist, and I'm not particularly fond of guts, however I think attention to detail does not always equate dissection, and I should probably sleep more in order to keep from running off on epic soliloquies.

Colorful Cooking

 

 

 

 

A Rainless State of Being

Its sunshining outside, I thought maybe you’d smile
these rainless days only come once in a while
I know you’ve seen happier days and
it’s hard to smile when you’re wasting away
but you’re wasting your life when you paint it all grey
and I’d save you, if I could.

There’s sunshine today, but I know you can’t see it
so I put on my best face and tried hard to be it
but you cast your eyes down because nothing is right
wear your little black cloud cuz the sun is too bright
and we’re all burnt out, and by the end of the night
I’m tired.

Couldn't you smile just a little bit?
Reflect just a shimmer of all that you get?
Mirrors are pieces of glass that reflect it
Can't see through, but color is light that's rejected
and you just consume, is it all saturated?

you're black.

signal fire

I see love and my eyes fill up with water
little reflecting pools, leaking down.
I guess I'm waiting for the day when I'll partake again, or maybe I'm a selfish girl and I've already had my allotment in life.  See how I sound emo there? Well, I'm not.
There are songs written about how people have "loved and lost"
and by myself sometimes, I feel lost
even though I know that I haven't yet
because my moments of love were little victories that I pin up on my wall with pride.
It doesn't matter that threads unraveled, or that our loose ends fell apart.
It doesn't matter if we were meant to be, or if we could have been, or that what we were is gone.

Someday, a man will look at me and say, "will you marry me, my sweet best friend?"  Or maybe my visions of Mr. Knightly are too high for average human males to aspire to.   But I patiently await the day that pure, complete love will find me
and steal my heart away.

and if by some chance, the man I will someday love is reading this
i just want you to know,

the perfect words/never crossed my mind//cuz there was nothing in there but you
i felt every ounce of me screaming out/but the words were trapped deep inside
in the confusion/and the aftermath/you are my signal fire

still

I want to go sit beside the ocean
feel the wind, on my face
crashing waves on the shore
rocking me to sleep,
asleep
and if I'm lucky,
it will be your hand I'm holding;
tightly

let's be still for a while, you and I
press down the sands of time
with the weight of our existence
remembering the past
memorizing
this time
while we are not alone

cradle me now
lets stay here forever.